Right before she finished turning the corner she looked down and something was not right. It was completely out of place, she leaned over and picked up a folded piece of stationary. It was edged into the pavers only deep enough to stay, but acted as if it was hiding from someone. It was as if the little lined travelers stationary was disguising itself from the ordinary and making itself only visible to the one who was meant to find it, the one who the words were for.
Partially guilt stricken, she unfolded the stationary. It was addressed to no one. She began to read the letter . . .
Folding the letter up after reading, she was speechless. With no knowledge of whether or not the addressee got the letter, she put the worn piece of stationary snug back into its position and finished her turn around the corner to see an even more beautiful path than the one she was on before. To her . . they were just words on a page.
In every relationship I have been in no one has ever made me nervous, no one but you . . .
Today is October 5, 2003. The significance? Well, rewind two years ago, October 5, 2001, and it feels like yesterday. This day is more vivid to me than almost all of the others. . .
I ran into and was taken back by someone I was so certain of whom they were. The beauty of it all was the fact that I was completely forced to attend that luau, it was destined to be. In my world, everything was falling apart. My family was non-existent, my relationship was being held together by his family, and I was lost. In his world, however, everything was falling together. He was captain of his football team, a class representative, a leader, a friend, a personality. He was just beginning. In 7 months my life completely changed. I fell in love, a love that lasts forever. The kind of love that is it's first, it allows one to realize that there was no love before this. We had the most romantic, passionate first kiss that happened at the perfect time. He had respect for me, the kind of respect that is only given to someone special. And even though it may seem melodramatic . . they began at a time that will never be forgotten. That time will always remind me and bring me back to a lake, a full moon, and no one else around but you and me.
In 7 short months I built a legacy with you. We went to New York City and had a freezing, but incredible, New Years together in Times Square. I conquered two dreams at once, my first new years kiss and I watched the ball drop with someone I adored. A few days later we told each other we loved one another and we made love for the first time. It was everything I had imagined and more, we became one. And that night in an attic in a small town in North Carolina will never be erased from my mind.
Shortly after, I met your family. I fell in love with the most energetic, loving mother I had ever met in my life. We went to Cape Cod together and had a romantic night on the beach. In those 7 short months, we were crazy together. We spent every minute together and did things I have never dreamed of. It was a romance that no one can explain. We loved each other.
And then it was gone, taken away in the blink of an eye. Our lives changed and it was not right.
Here I am, looking back two years ago. I know that God allowed me to be at that luau on October 5, 2001 for a reason. The same reason I know that God allowed us to separate. At 19 years of age we had a lot of growing up to do. At 21 years of age we have a lot of growing up to do, and God knows that it means to not have one another in the process.
Last July my heart changed, and as much as it is not fair for you I have to tell you. I am so nervous though, only because I know you and I know where you are in life. I felt it all, all the pain I threw at you, all the ups and downs. I felt my heart finally accept the fact that you are right. 'I am broken.' And I was sorry, I have told you more times than I can count. I know that it does not take it back but I just wish I could let you know how much I deeply care and how sincerely sorry I am for it all.
So, now I sit here and I put it all down to you. With all of my heart I believe in true love. I believe that there is one person in this life that is made for one other person. I always wonder why out of so many people I know that I am one of the only ones who believes in this kind of love. The kind where you 'just know.' It was not until recently that I realized, it is because that is what we had, we 'just knew.' I cannot even recall all the times that we looked at each other and were just speechless cause what we were was crazy. It was unbelievable.
I went down to the Cape on the 22nd of August to apologize. But more importantly I wanted to tell you how I felt. I never did. . . I don't deserve any more chances. Getting the courage up, 2 weeks later I went down again. I left still not telling you what I wanted to say. Part of me has hope though, and I am holding on to that. I want to prove myself to you, if that is what it will take. I know there is no trust and that is what I want to build again.
However, this is not why I write. Because God has a timing for everything and I know that right now is not my time. It may never be my time. I write to tell you EVERYTHING. Everything I wanted to say but I couldn't. . .
I believe in us, I believe in what we had and I know that is was real. And if one day along this road there comes a time where yours leads you back to me, I will be here. You give me inspiration to be better, to conquer my life and make the most out of every situation. When I was with you in August, you said 'that everything happened so that we could be in the places that we are in today.' That is so true. I am not wishing that things are not the way they are right now. Each day is a new one for me and I love and cherish each one like it is my last. I am just hoping that my heart is right and that when it comes time, we can have our chance. The final one that we wished for 2 years ago. The chance to be grown, mature, to have our lives figured out and have them together.
I guess I went down to tell you, that yes my heart is open to meet people and have fun. To experience different things and have a few romances on the way. But no, my heart does not have the ability to love again. I believe that there is one person in this life that I am meant to have forever with and if my heart is right, then my forever is meant to be with you.
Half of me wishes this will get to you and the other half hopes that it will get lost. But if it does than here it is . . my heart on the line, in the most vulnerable position possible.
The Girl Who Is Hopelessly Romantic